5 Days of Freedom and Boredom

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It’s been a full 5 days of strike action nationwide in Nigeria since it kicked off on Monday, 9th January. Let’s just let that fact sink in for a minute. 5 days??? Could you imagine being under involuntary house arrest for 5 days? I have. I slept till Sleep demanded a definite curfew. I ate till my swelling gut begged me to do sit-ups. I cleaned my apartment till the remaining dust particles put up a white flag to save its unborn generation. I watched so much TV that I got spasms whenever I suddenly tried to turn my neck left or right. Boredom kept knocking on my door but I stupidly shouted, ‘No one is home’. 5 days…and it seems this weekend is merely a recess.

Saturday was a breath of fresh air as the roads were  busied with vehicles once destined for a life of dust accumulation and stalled engines. I joined the hustle and bustle without delay as this was my chance to replenish my stock of food items, refuel my car and re-assess my alien surroundings. I noticed a lot of the police/traffic warden stands which had been toppled probably by protesters last week. Most filling stations remained closed while the few that were open sold fuel at whatever price we desperate motorists and generator owners were willing to pay. I recall some weeks ago when I poked fun at a friend who was in a queue for the critically acclaimed Shoprite bread. That recollection occurred yesterday while I was in a never-before-seen queue at my local bakery – I was number 11. Even when I went to my Cable TV provider, DSTV, to pay my outstanding bill the queue there was reminiscent of the maze you see at Alton Towers. It was cash or nothing – some ‘cashless’ society we’re turning out to be (insert sarcastic emoticon here).  

I wonder what other people got up to during this unwarranted holiday (NB – Nigerian bankers are not complaining). Apart from those who got so bored of staying indoors and later opted to join the rallies at designated points nationwide, there must have been those who went to a nearby church to meditate and pray for Nigeria (only a small fraction); those who over-stayed their welcome at their neighbour’s place after emptying their own fridges (a mega chunk); and those who took full advantage of the steady electricity in some areas and used all their LG products to maximum capacity (I’m one of the lucky few!). With the evident harmattan weather gaining momentum over the last few days, I don’t even want to know what couples have been up to.  

To my surprise I learnt this morning that the Nigerian Labour Congress (NLC) and the Federal Government (FG) are still nowhere closer to reaching an agreement on reinstating the fuel subsidy which would bring the fuel pump price back to N65/litre. I’m not sure that the president quite understands the gravity of this economic shutdown. Lives have been lost, businesses have been crippled, and anarchy is looming. On a gloomier note, the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) governor, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, estimated that the country had lost about N500bn (over $3bn) last week due to the strike.  The Save Nigeria Group and Occupy Nigeria group have made their stance clear – No to Corruption and Yes to Good Governance. That’s my stance too – I care less about the removal of the fuel subsidy.

We can expect that if the deadlock between NLC and the FG remains then Day 6 of the mother of all strikes will resume tomorrow. We can also expect more protests, more political aspirants hoping to capitalize on this mass movement, more boredom (or freedom), more neighbour-to-neighbour visits, more battery-sapping blackberry broadcasts, more Insomnia, more new cases of obesity, and last but certainly not least, we can expect an overwhelming baby boom in September :D

How to protest peacefully…from home

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Nigeria has entered into Day 2 of its nationwide strike! Make no mistake; it’s not just about the ill-timed removal of the fuel subsidy, but also about the unending corruption in governance. While it’s not expected that all Nigerians will troop out of their homes to participate in street rallies for fear of becoming ‘road-kill’, it is indeed possible to protest peacefully whilst being indoors. Here’s my quick how-to guide:

  1. Let your ‘status’ do the talking. As you wake up in the morning and stretch you can simultaneously reach for your smartphone and update your Facebook/Twitter status from the comfort of your bed. Yawn majestically and wipe off that stubborn drool as you carefully construct a catchy status update that would communicate your full support for the ongoing movement/protest/rally e.g. ‘#OccupyNigeria’. You can then return to sleep and kill a few more hours, assured that YOU won’t be killed, out in the streets. NB – Status needs to be updated every 5 minutes for perceived solidarity.
  2. Dress like an activist. After dragging yourself out of bed and having a revitalizing shower you need to choose what you wear carefully. You may be thinking, ‘I’m not going outside so why should it matter?’ Well, if you want to be more convincing about your ‘protest-in-absentia’ you’ll need to upload a convincing picture. Grab that patriotic shirt you’ve only reserved for once a year (Independence Day) or one of the themed shirts specific to your cause. Wear it proudly and awkwardly take a picture of yourself, without looking like you’re awkwardly taking a picture of yourself (and please don’t smile – go for the frustrated/aggrieved-look more commonly associated with protesters).
  3. Get your cardboard and crayons out! Step back in time as we re-live those Kindergarten years because today you’ll be designing Placards (Yaaaay!) This in fact is the most convincing tool that gives your friends the impression that you are busting your butt out there on the streets. But a word of caution – do not underestimate your friends. If you take a picture of yourself holding a placard indoors you’ll become a laughing-stock. Sum up the courage to step right outside your house where there’s no laptop, sofa, TV, chairs or hanging portraits to spoil the background of your activist picture. Take the picture and run right back indoors. NB – Microsoft Experts may wish to show off their Photoshop skills and adopt the ‘cut and paste’ approach to cunningly place themselves in the heart of the rallies.

After all this has been done you’ll probably be exhausted. It’s not easy protesting from home. Let no one call you a coward for doing so either. Top executives work from home and no one stops to call them fat lazy pigs! Think about that for a minute before you go all judgemental ;)

Fuel Subsidy Removal: Fuelling Hate

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The New Year spirit in Nigeria has been rather bleak following the recent bombings and assassinations in Boko Haram-stricken states. However, the mood has reached a new low. If you were to ask a fellow Nigerian, ‘What’s up?’ then the seemingly sarcastic but honest response you would probably get is, ‘Fuel prices, you fool!’ This is all thanks to the removal of the fuel subsidy by the Federal Government; the immediate impact being that the PPP (Petrol Pump Price) skyrocketed from N65 to a whopping N140 per litre. This drastic change took place literally overnight between 2nd and 3rd January, 2012. But the madness doesn’t end there.

You could be driving around in Nigeria and getting varying PPP at different filling stations. These prices could range anywhere from N140 to as much as N250 per litre in some states. However, Nigerians who ‘count the kobos’ tend to queue up at the government-operated filling station, NNPC, for a ‘discounted’ PPP of N138 per litre. But if all this wasn’t bad enough, the madness reached an all-time high when President Goodluck Jonathan commented on the recent protests against the fuel subsidy removal and exclaimed that if he was in the public’s shoes he would react the same way – WTF???

Does this mean that the President is in full support of the proposed nationwide strike that is due to take place at 0.00hrs on Monday, January 9, 2012? Well, that’s easy for him to say as he’s currently basking in South Africa. With only a few hours to go till Operation Occupy Nigeria gets into full swing, I’m sure journalists and news reporters worldwide are salivating over their keyboards and microphones, respectively.

Below is a text I received earlier today on my Blackberry and whilst I cannot confirm its authenticity I wouldn’t want keep this from anyone who’s likely to be affected if and when the strike holds:

From Strike Coordinators: Lagos Zone “On Monday, the strike will be enforced at workplaces, market places, major roads and link roads. There will be protest in the neighbourhoods and the protests will go on simultaneously on major roads and streets across the country.

There is one central protest commencement point and four zonal points in Lagos to ensure effective coverage of the city. Those that want to be part of the protests should go to any focal points close to them in Yaba, Iyana-Ipaja, Acme Road, Ikorodu Road and LASU. On Tuesday, enforcement, rallies and zonal protests would hold with a repeat of street protests. The scenario will continue on Thursday, and Friday. Monday and Wednesday would be for major protests.

All filling stations must remain shut and only medical personnel on essential duties and journalists would be allowed to move freely. Members of the Nigerian Medical Association, NMA, and Nigerian Bar Association, NBA, would be offering free services to Nigerians in the struggle.

Nigerians who do not want to participate in the mass protest should stay indoors in their interest, as those caught outside would be treated as saboteurs. Be warned!

For me, the last two words sum up my advice to all Nigerians planning to venture outside their homes, especially in Lagos. Buy all your essential provisions and keep your eyes peeled and ears glued to the news stations. Communicate with all your friends and colleagues via phone so you can know what’s going on in your area and in other parts of Nigeria. And if you’ve got the Internet you can always pay the Crazy Nigerian a visit :)

VIVE LA REVOLUTION!!!

Time to tweak my 2011 resolution

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Happy New Year! Welcome to my first post in 2012. I’ve delayed this post for long enough and despite having the worst, chesty cough in medical history (or what I prefer to call ‘a phlegm fest’), coupled with a double-cancellation on a confirmed flight booking which forced me to endure a 7-hour spacebus ride on pothole-riddled roads back to Lagos, I’ve summoned enough strength and sanity to finally grace my keyboard and serve you yet another crazy article (Don’t worry, Air Nigeria; I’ll be suing your asses right after I hit the ‘Publish’ button).

Last year I made a couple of resolutions and now I thought it best to fine tune them so they’re a bit more…well…feasible. I don’t see the point in saying, for example, ’This year I am going to quit smoking’ and then by January 10th you’re frantically ransacking your apartment for that ‘emergency cigarette’; you know, the one you consciously hid on the same day you made that resolution, just in case. Anyway, here’s a peek at updates for my new year resolution:

2011: Go out more
2012: Go out more than once a week or else I’ll end up only having online friends and virtual cocktails/events on Facebook

2011: Do exercise
2012: Do exercise only when my reckless bingeing is an inch from taking its toll on my belly, or I can just stick to believing that Love Handles actually come from Cupid.

2011: Open a couple more saving accounts
2012: Open a couple more saving accounts and actually put money into all of them to avoid the painstaking ordeal of reactivating dormant accounts.

2011: Learn another language
2012: Learn another language when I can ascertain that some of the side talk (from suspicious colleagues speaking that other language) is about me.

2011: Date young women
2012: Date young women and confirm from their siblings or online yearbooks whether they are definitely not 5 years younger or older than I am.

2011: Wear my heart on my sleeve
2012: Wear my heart on my sleeve as far as special cufflinks are concerned.

2011: Finish writing my book
2012: Finish writing my book even if I can only manage a hundred pages and it’s mostly a compilation of every embarrassing (but strangely entertaining) moment in my life.

I’ll spare you any further insights to my resolutions for fear of possible adoption and replication. This year, try to keep your resolutions…and if you can’t do that then keep your sanity. Now, where’s that Air Nigeria Customer Complaint line…

Christmas day bomb shakes Nigeria’s capital

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The nation got quite an unexpected package delivered around a Catholic Church in Abuja this morning - it was a lethal bomb which exploded and killed at least 25 people this morning on the last count. Sadly, the death toll is rising. Another report I saw on Skynews confirmed that there was also an explosion in Jos – another state in the savannah belt of Nigeria. Whilst no one believes that Santa Claus would do this on his day, the prime suspect on everybody’s lips is the Notorious BHG (Boko Haram Group). Who else would perpetrate such a despicable act on a day commemorating the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ?

Now it seems that on the Gloom & Doom calendar will read as follows on December 25th and 26th: remembrance of victims who died in the Abuja-Jos bomb blast; and remembrance of victims who died in the Tsunami at Indonesia. This ugly episode would definitely leave a bitter taste in the mouths of both resident and non-resident Nigerians. I’ve noticed that unlike yesterday the traffic on the roads in Lagos is virtually non-existent. Is it because everybody is too busy celebrating Christmas indoors or is it because nobody wants to venture out into crowded places for fear of getting blown into smitherings? Hope all of you reading this article remain safe. It is a crazy world we live in…

Full story available from Reuters Africa

 

My 200th post (…falls on Christmas Day!)

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As I type this post with a can of ice-cold Amstel Malta by my side and the Mission Impossible soundtrack Instrumental (courtesy of the endangered species also known as Limp Bizkit) playing on my laptop, I wonder how the heck I was able to write 199 articles in the first place. The last time I celebrated my 100th post in style I made some exclusive revelations about the crazy Nigerian and it is only fair that I uphold this self-imposed tradition.

It was the day before Christmas eve and I had just left the office with a colleague on our way to a nearby supermarket. I was overwhelmed by the number of cars in the car park as I had to queue reluctantly for a parking space. Moments later a light caught my eye. It was coming from my left and to my horror it got closer. I horned helplessly, wound down my window shouting frantically, but to no avail. If you haven’t guessed it already it wasn’t a U.F.O – It was a reversing car which left a dent so deep in my door that I couldn’t open to come out.

After the initial humiliation of having to exit awkwardly from the passenger’s side (like a contestant on WIPEOUT), I started parading the car park, pointing the finger of blame at the head of stupidity. I mean this guy kept saying he was sorry but  he would not admit that he did not look in his rear view mirror. In fact, he swore to God Almighty that he didn’t see me in his rear view (and that’s because by the time he came out of his car I realized he probably forgot to use his support-cushion). His car looked rickety and he looked like the best part of his day would be eating a hot bowl of Indomie noodles. He clearly couldn’t afford to fix my car and would most probably find the cheapest mechanic that would meet his budget. I turned his shitty offer down and eventually told him to take just a walk and go learn how to drive before I showed him the next level of crazy. Minutes later he was about to reverse into another oncoming car…and I saw him using his side mirror – Idiot!

Now that my car has been restored to semi-perfection by my trusty mechanic I am soaking up what’s left of the Christmas air. I had to make a last half-hour dash to a card and gift shop or risk being labelled a scrooge by my own parents (and how do guys named ‘Ebenezer’ cope in society during this season?). There’s plenty to eat, lots to drink and there’s so much to share; which brings me nicely to some highlights I’ve come across recently on my blog.

Funny searches that led people to my blog, The Crazy Nigerian (No joke)

  • interview with santa
  • nigerian action films 2011 
  • nigerian santa
  • bus conductor in nigeria
  • what is nigeria’s santa claus called
  • december 2011 voodoo in lagos
  • sexy eyebrows
  • has eminem ever been to nigeria before
  • is it ok for a man to cry when asking will you marry me
  • nairaland toilet roll production
  • nicole sherzinger getting mistakened for kim kardashian 

I’ve also been amused by comments received from my fans and anyone is welcome to drop a comment without being a member (just have your email address handy). I’m happy to have attained this feat. I’m even happier that I will be giving my blog a holiday till 2012  (unless I have something absolutely important to blog about). I’m salivating over an imaginary roast chicken dinner since I still have another 16 hours till dinner time. I want to thank all the Google users, WordPress team, my fellow bloggers, my subscribers, family and friends, all the social networks sending traffic to my blog. A very big THANK YOU to everyone for making this blog grow from crazy to crazy.

Here’s a toast to posting another 100 crazy articles! And there’s just one other thing I’d like to share…

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!

Lekki Toll Gate: From Greed to Gridlock

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On Sunday 18th December 2011 whilst I was reading the news alerts on my phone, I learnt that the Lekki Toll Gate in Lagos island had finally become functional and that there was also a peaceful-turned-violent protest going on at the same location. I’m not 100 percent certain but I  strongly believe that the protesters consisted of two groups, namely:

- Those who didn’t want to pay up to N120 each way because it was ’expensive’, and;
- Those who didn’t want to pay…period

Despite not being a protester myself, I also have my own reservations about this mammoth project undertaken by the LCC (Lekki Concession Company) and supported by the Lagos State governor, Babatunde Fashola.

It is taking a toll on my health. I should know better because I work at the tail end of Lekki. Already, I have to drag myself out of bed at 5am. Now I’ve been blessed with the unwanted privilege of having to wake up even earlier for my Ikeja-Lekki journey…say around 4.45am. Whilst I bang my big toe around my flat as I fight the invisible Sleep Demons, I must attempt to locate and put on matching socks and a matching suit (i.e. not a black jacket with grey trousers as I’ve done after losing to the Sleep Demons once). The best part is trying to drive at 80kmh to work whilst fighting Sleep Demons at the same time (eat your heart out Vin Diesel!). The strain and the stress kicks in when I enter the 1st phase of traffic on Apongbo. Blood pressure gradually begins to rise as you enter the 2nd phase of traffic at the link between Marina and Ikoyi/Bonny Camp route. The 3rd and latest addition to the ‘traffic franchise’ is the Lekki phase 1 roundabout - brought to you by the LCC. By the time I reach my destination I frantically look everywhere in my car for my misplaced happy-face.

It is restricting my movement during working hours. The moment I get into my office I barely have enough time to celebrate my punctuality before having to jump right back into the traffic to meet clients. Since I suffer from car-sickness I’m without the luxury of being able to read and respond to emails or text messages whilst in the passenger seat. I make more phone calls instead and that equates to much higher phone bills. I have to leave much earlier for appointments now just so the traffic build-up doesn’t embarrass me. What can I say? If P.Diddy invented the Remix then Lagosians invented Traffic (and subsequently invented the word ‘trafficate’ which is locally used and is not in any dictionary). I’ve also had to learn new shortcuts that would replace the once-discreet shortcuts that have suddenly become widely known overnight. After work you can expect that I would have to leave later than I usually do in order to avoid wasting my time, my petrol and my Blackberry’s wack battery life.

Last but not least, the timing is completely wrong. There is a bridge that is supposedly being built within Lekki Phase 1 which is meant to link Lekki to Ikoyi. If only this bridge was ready before the launch of the toll gate then traffic would ease up a notch. The Lekki toll gate collection had already been delayed for over a year so I don’t think waiting another year would have seriously hurt the State government’s pocket. We barely have enough road networks (or efficient ones at that) and the current state of traffic from the Lekki Phase 1 all the way past Law School on my way back home begs the question, ‘Is the Lekki Toll Gate really necessary?’ I thought of adding some pictures to cement my point but on second thoughts some readers may have found these images disturbing and unsuitable for drivers plying the Lekki axis, especially the ones already suffering from high BP (both high Blood Pressure and high Bill Payments).

My stance on the whole toll gate project has been to only support it if the fee is reasonably priced and if it reduces traffic. Since it appears that I’ve observed neither (at least for now) I guess you don’t have to be a pro to be able to guess that I’m anti ;)

So, you have been warned. Proceed at your peril and pay the toll…literally.

My Interview With Santa Claus

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Me: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to do this interview. 

Santa: Ho ho ho! The pleasure is all mine, my boy.

Me: There’s so much I’ve been dying to ask you…like why don’t you ever come to Nigeria?

Santa: Oh, all the houses there don’t have any chimneys.

Me: But you can’t expect chimneys in a country that’s hot virtually all year round!

Santa: Sorry my boy, I can’t change a century-old tradition.

Me: Okaaay…After Christmas, what do you do for the next 364 days?

Santa: Mostly online shopping on Amazon, though I think it should be called ‘Amazing’. Now I have more time to go through my excel sheets – you know, kids who’ve been good and kids who’ve been bad.

Me: That’s interesting. I never imagined you’d use computers…no offence.

Santa: None taken. I do it all on my iPad.

Me: Since you’re online a lot, how come you’re not on Facebook?

Santa: My oh my, I used to have a Facebook account but then it got hacked! After so many complaints from other users about spreading Christmas ‘sneer’ I was banned. This idea of a sick joke would’ve been none other than the Grinch…or Jim Carrey

Me: So what’s been the most popular Christmas gift request in 2011?

Santa: Ah, that will have to be the iPad 2, though I’m quite happy with my iPad.

Me: Wow! What’s the weirdest Christmas wish you’ve ever gotten?

Santa: Hmm…that’s like picking a needle from a haystack, hehehe…er..,I mean ho-ho-ho. But recently a 7-year old boy wished Ben-10 could spend Christmas with him and his family. Bless him.

 Me: If you don’t mind me asking, are you married?

Santa: I…I was…a long long time ago…but she left me. She said I was too involved in my work and that I was better off marrying Rudolph.

Me: Oh, sorry to hear that. Do you ever think of retirement?

Santa: “Absolutely not! Think about the kids”, would be my answer. But the truth is…well…let’s just say my pension plan is like a baby with a pacifier (wink)

Me: I understand. Do you really like Coca-cola?

Santa: I actually prefer Pepsi but a contract is a contract, you know?

Me: Santa, it’s been great talking to you. Before you go could you just grant me one wish this Christmas?

Santa: As long it’s not to have Ben-10 over for Christmas, ho-ho-ho!

Me: No no no. I want to get Freshly Pressed on WordPress. This year would be nice :)

Santa: Freshly pressed? Well if you’re sure you don’t want an iPad 2 like everyone else then I’ll see what I can do. Merry Christmas everyone!  

9 Scenarios where it’s OK for Men to Cry

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I personally don’t like seeing grown men being reduced to tears but from my own little research I’ve come to realize that they are sometimes justified in doing so. Here’s why…

They’ve experienced their first heartbreak. You can imagine a situation where the girl you’ve been with from childhood suddenly comes up with some flimsy excuse and dumps you…for your best friend…over the phone…on your birthday. This could aptly explain why men later go on to have serial relationships in which they exhibit little or no sensitivity as they try to shield their emotions from further shredding. Recommended Crying Options: Trickling tears, Sobbing.

Their football club performed badly. I’m not a major football fan (never have been and never will be) so I’m still baffled when die-hard football fans take some football matches so seriously and go through the following process – Anxiety (when their club is playing), Frustration (when their club is behind on points), Anger (when their club has conceded yet another goal), and finally Misery (when their club has: lost the match; the chance to win the premiership and; has consequently been relegated. The men turn on the waterworks at this point). Recommended Crying Options: Wailing, Tears with sniffles.

They’ve seen their wedding bill. This is predominantly common with African men, as they are less familiar with the ridiculous option of taking on a 3-year personal loan to finance a wedding. Love does make some men do crazy things so if their wife-to-be insists on a wedding extravaganza the Guy-Cry tends to occur when he writes the cheque…before, during and after signing. Recommended Crying Options: Tears with complaints.

They realized they didn’t marry the hotter sister. You’ll have to applaud the evasive skills of some determined women. I mean, men have to be a bit more thorough during the dating stage: ask for family photographs, browse through her Facebook contacts, etc. At the end of the day, if the hotter sister is on the other side of the world and only appears in person at the wedding then the groom should be asking himself some serious questions like, ‘Will I ever be able to act normal whenever she visits my family home?’ Such men are probably not in love. Recommended Crying Options: Tears with mumbles of regret.

They’ve taken a hit in the genitals. There are probably two categories of men who can relate to this: Men involved in high contact sports; and men who’ve made an inappropriate move on a woman. The tears literally jump out of your sockets and the pain is almost indescribable (but I’ll go ahead and make a modest attempt). It’s like an electrical surge that starts from the bowels and replicates itself into the spine and then the entire body in a matte of seconds. Estimated Time of Immobility – 15 mins approx. Recommended Crying Options: Tears with grunts and moaning.

They’ve hit that big toe…again. This equally excruciating ordeal is usually experienced by men who are very clumsy, men with big feet and men who refuse to get prescription glasses. Common objects of contact include door edges, table legs and in my own case, bed legs. Usual time of occurrence is in the middle of the night on the way to the fridge to get a light snack, or during the early hours of the morning when staggering to the toilet half-asleep. Recommended Crying Options: Watery eyes with occasional swearing.

The mother-in-law is moving in for good. Not for the man’s good, might I add. If you can just imagine a situation where men come back from a hard day at work and have to be subjected to the constant interference in all their affairs. It’s probably not so bad when the men are on good terms with their mother-in-laws but when it’s otherwise be rest assured that the wife would most likely take sides with her mum. For passive men, I have no sympathy. Recommended Crying Options: Tears on the pillow.

They’ve watched Shawshank Redemption or Armageddon. Somehow I believe, regardless of sensitivity levels, men who do not shed at least one tear drop after watching either of these movies is a cold-blooded serial killer in the making. According to Wikipedia these two movies are the top 2 when it comes to tear-jerkers for men. Click on the link to find out the rest of the Top 10 and see if you agree (or if you have any you dare to add). Recommended Crying Options: Tears with heavy breathing.

They’ve held their first child. When men see a mini-version of themselves there’s something that just melts their hearts and unconsciously turns on the waterworks. It’s either that or they’re disguising the fact that the bones in their hand were half-crushed by their labouring wives earlier. Ironically, in the first encounter between a father and his child they both cry in varying degrees. The worst case scenario is when a man cries because the child is clearly from another race (the wife would have some serious explaining to do). I don’t have any kids yet (or a wife for that matter) so I’ll have to wait and see how I react. Recommended Crying Options: Tears of joy which may include big smiles and runny noses.

If you can think of a tenth scenario where it’s ok for men to cry then I’ll be more than happy to hear it :)

The Nigerian Way 101

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Are you thinking of travelling to a place where you can sunbathe in scorching temperatures close to 40 degrees centigrade this Christmas? Are you looking for a place where you can enjoy delicious African cuisine, ice-cold beer, and transportation for less than $1? Are you looking for a place with zero snow, zero earthquakes, zero hurricanes, zero volcanic eruptions and zero riots? Are you looking for a haven where everyone who serves calls you Chairman (or Madam, as the case may be) and treats you like royalty? Then look no further – Nigeria is your ideal travel destination!

Nigeria is a vibrant counrty which is located in West Africa close to the equator and boasts of a population of about 150 million people – but never fear, there’s plenty more room for tourists! One of the great things about my country is the warm reception you get when you arrive at Murtala Muhammed International Airport, literally. There is no air-conditioning. Whilst you wait for your luggage on the ‘sushi’ conveyor belt, the blistering heat helps you to burn a few calories and to prepare you adequately for the sunny outdoors.

When you exit the international airport don’t be alarmed by the eager unlicensed taxi-drivers who grab your luggage – they’re only trying to help ease your burden. They may want to test whether you’re familiar with the Nigerian way by charging you like they would an aristocrat. All you have to do is to start your negotiation at half his price and work from there. They may also want to engage you in some ‘small-talk’ because we’re generally very chatty people. Do take advantage and get to know the hotspots around town so you can plan the best way to enjoy your stay. There’s a whole range of hotels to choose from, depending on your taste and your budget.

After you’ve had a good night’s rest in your air-conditioned room and enjoyed a generous helping of yam and egg-stew at your affordable hotel, you will be ready to hit the road (or hit the bed again if you had too much yam). Make sure you carry along a bottle of cold water to hydrate yourself during the course of the hot day. Getting from A to B is easy. Go to the nearest bus stop and listen carefully to the destination being screamed out by the bus conductor – otherwise, your 3-minute journey into the next town could become a 3-hour journey into the next state.  Alternatively you can save a lot of money by just waiving your hand at the oncoming commercial motorcylists and shouting ‘Okada’. You’ll soon be whizzing through traffic jams whilst enjoying the humid breeze.

The first sensible place for you to go to would be one of our many hospitals. Why? You would need to get anti-malaria treatment so that you’re rest assured of not having a restless holiday. If your’re squeamish about taking injections then there’s tablets that the doctor can prescribe. Pre-treatment is far more recommended than buying a couple of Baygon or Raid sprays and fighting an uneven battle with the non-relenting population of mosquitoes. Wear long trousers at night when you’re outdoors if you want to keep those legs spotless and to avoid being mistaken for a former military officer with an involuntary reflex – ‘Attention!’.

There’s so much to see and to do, especially if you’re in Lagos. If you’re in its capital, Ikeja, there are many malls and eateries that could entice you. If you decide to go to Victoria Island you could tour The Third Mainland Bridge – the longest bridge in Africa. You could also see the magnificent toll gate structures at Lekki Phase 1 and these should be operational by the time you make your way over to Lagos so get your petty cash ready. The are so many shopping complexes and food markets boasting of unique bargains so I’m very confident you’ll find something worthwhile to buy (Remember the 100:50 pricing rule!).

There is a sense of security in Nigeria as you will notice the unprecedented number of checkpoints virtually every 5 miles of your journey by road. We even have a saying, ‘Police is your friend’. They may stop your vehicle but all you have to do is smile, stay calm, lock your doors and ignore any requests other than producing your driving licence and vehicle particulars. That said, some habits you may want to abstain from (but are by no means limited to) include: Walking in dark alleys late at night whilst talking on your mobile phone; Arguing with a gang of drunk Man U fans when you’re clearly a fan of the opposition and; urinating on walls that have ‘DO NOT URINATE HERE’ boldly printed on them.

You would be surprised to learn that our internet connectivity has gone from ’good’ to ‘good grief!’ but recently the introduction of Wi-fi has elevated the browsing experience by a big notch. Just ask your hotel receptionist for the password and you’re wired in. And for those Blackberry users most of our telecom providers have made affordable BIS available to the pubilc. You don’t have to carry so much foreign currency since there are Mallams in the black market who could strike a good deal, although I would recommend dealing with banks as they do not exhibit normadic behaviour. Most of the retail outlets in the city have Point of Sale terminals which accept foreign credit cards…point of correction, foreign VISA and Mastercard credit cards. Sales assistants call the attention of supervisors and delay you when they see an American Express card. 

Do try any of our renowned beaches which include the critically-acclaimed Bar Beach, the breathtaking Tarkwa Bay, the mysterious Alpha Beach and the mesmerizing Eleko beach.  Nigerians know how to party too. You have a choice of painting the town red at any of the nightclubs on the island or mainland – yes, we uphold the ‘Happy hour’ tradition but not so much the ‘Dancing on the bar’ tradition. But if you’re more interested in souvenirs then you can find ethnic memorobilia in City Mall, Ikoyi if you want to leave Nigeria with a traditional caftan or blouse and wrapper. Our array of woven head gear is also a must if you are going for that regal look. By the time you’ve maxed out your credit cards, gained a tan and picked up a bit of the lingo, also known as ’pidgeon english’, you’ll be sad that you had to leave.

This is the unique experience that awaits you. This is the life that so many expats enjoy but may be keeping from you.   

This is My Nigeria :D