What your phone says about you

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It’s the year 1990. You’ve recently splurged on your new phone and you just can’t wait for one of your friends to call you. It’s got a mean green LCD screen, soft alpha-numeric keypad, a two-inch antenna, and a long-lasting battery which you’ve already estimated can be passed down…to your grandkids. You sit in the mist of your counterparts at the bar after work with everyone’s phones placed on the table and you all start to argue over whose phone is smarter, and that’s when you realize your phone is desperately trying to hide behind your beer glass. Why? Its intimidated by the competition and you should be too – phones are supposed to be an extension of your personality, aren’t they?

The Nokia 3210, for example, was the must-have phone back in the day. It was a cool tool. What it lacked in colour it made up for in its addictive Snake game. You could leave it in the hands of a hyperactive toddler and be rest assured that it wouldn’t be smashed to pieces after being used as a mallet – it’s that durable…and it weighs a tonne. With over 50 annoying polyphonic ringtones (and the sad option of being able to compose your own ringtone) there was a lot to amuse oneself. However the phone is not exactly a babe magnet nor does it shout ‘Hey! I’m keeping up with technological advancements’. What it does say is ’I think it’s time you got an upgrade because people are giving me funny looks and let’s face it…you’ll never get past level 9 in Snakes’. The absence of a built-in camera is its major setback and it’s not social media-friendly either. But if it’s any consolation it will last you a lifetime!   

Fast forward a little and it feels like the transition from black and white to colour television is repeating itself. If you’re a typical Samsung fanatic complete with the Samsung refrigerator, LCD TV, laptop and tablet, then I’m betting a hundred to one that you’ve already got a snazzy, technicolor Samsung phone. What I like about Samsung is it’s over-the-top use of colour to wow its consumers. It’s like having your very own kaleidoscope in the palm of your hand (I guess Samsung decided to take on the ‘rainbow in my pocket’ challenge and actually won!). Sadly I don’t sing the Sam-song.

But while Nokia and Samsung phones tend to keep things simple e.g. Searching through your contacts to make a phone call or composing a text message, Sony Ericsson believe the more complicated a basic function is, the more sophisticated you appear to be (er…try clueless). Sony took the concept of Differentiation and completely turned it over its head…to the detriment of potential phone users. This is No Phone for Old Men – the phone will only amuse and confuse them (unless they’re patient enough to read the bulky manual…and even that is in small print). 

Low and behold, the emergence of the smartphone reminds us that we are stupid and that we need a phone that can do all our thinking for us. Today you have phones that come with a QWERTY keypad because the phone manufacturers think some of us are too stupid to use the alpha-numeric keypad any longer. In fact, some of us are also believed to be so lazy that we need touchscreens because keypads are just too much pressure for the fingertips and thumbs. It’s already bad enough that I’ve got one hand occupied with a ‘dullphone’ whilst I’m using the urinal but trying to use two hands on a smartphone will lead to unavoidable spillage, if you know what I mean. It seems virtually all phone manufacturers have jumped on the bandwagon, with Blackberry holding fort.

But without deviating much further from the topic, your phone makes a bold statement about you – Phones with no colour and camera would throw you into the Stone Age category; phones with swivel/slide, mp3, video or touch screen technology would throw you into the Techy/Nerdy category; whilst phones that happen to be the latest to hit the market (and are usually expensive and are only changed when another new phone is trending) would put you in the I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-my-money category. Such people want to be noticed by everyone and would steal any opportunity to flash their nifty gadgets. If it doesn’t spark up conversation then it’s probably your phone not theirs. By the time you’re done talking to them their phone will be all that you remember.

So there you have it – the type of phone you use can tell someone if you’re simple or complex, cool or old school, and whether you’re smart or dull  trying to get smart. My theory isn’t founded, of course, but we’re all making our two-worded judgements (‘show-off!’, ‘smart-alec’ or ‘dumb-ass!’, they’ll decide :D ) 

 

Winning Oscars: for Dummies

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For all those aspiring to get their hands on that golden symbol of perfection I’ve wiki leaked these tips which the Oscar judges don’t want you to know:

  1. When choosing a title for your epic movie make sure that it’s memorable, mysterious and most importantly, short. One-word movie titles are usually your safest bet, for example AVATAR (not The Blue People), TITANIC (not The Iceberg Strikes), INCEPTION (not Planting the Idea), ALI (not Sting Like a Bee), and GHANDI (not Stubborn Old Man) – you get the picture. Other great titles that have hit the mark are Philadelphia, Gladiator, Crash, Chicago, Unforgiven, Rocky, Shrek, etc. Of course there are exceptions to the rule with such bombshells as Crossroads, Glitter, Catwoman and Gigli.
  2. You need to have a ridiculously huge budget. If you know your movie has scenes that need to be shot in Brazil but you have a movie-set back home in Europe which costs less and can be modified accordingly, then just ignore that and fly all the way to Brazil with your entire cast and film crew instead! There is not a movie to my recollection that won an oscar on a meager budget. Spend! Spend! Spend!
  3. Next item on the agenda is Emotion! Emotion! Emotion! - aside from the tears you’ll be shedding after seeing the jaw-dropping total of all your film expenses, you need to ensure that your script is touching enough to jerk the tears out of your critical audience. Remember, strong themes which revolve around Love (Titanic), Betrayal (Titanic), Death (Titanic) and Slavery (Amistad) are excellent choices. But if you can fuse all four into one epic movie you’ll see the Oscar nominations rolling in pronto!
  4. Ensure you have a good amount of cheesy, memorable quotesor 2-liner conversations. E.g. In The Blind Side observe: Some lady - ‘You are changing that young boy’s life.’ Sandra Bullock – ‘No..he’s changing mine.’ (Standing Ovation or vomit bag…your choice).
  5. If you have problems handling any of the four tips then you can always settle for this most important tip – choose a reputable film director with a proven track record. If you’re well-connected and you try to work with the likes of either Spielberg, Soderbergh, Scorsese or Cameron then I can’t see how you can possibly go wrong.

　…and if you still haven’t won an oscar after applying all these principles time and time again, then don’t despair…there’s always the posthumous Oscar award up for grabs!

Choose my book title

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I’m days away from completing my first book (woohoo!) and I would like YOU to give your honest opinions on which title I should use (yikes!). But here’s a few things to note:

What my book isn’t

  • Boring
  • Voluminous
  • Conservative
  • Complex
  • Depressing

What my book will be (hopefully)

  • Revealing
  • Informative
  • Playful
  • Funny
  • Unique

My book is in two parts: Part I is a collection of all my intriguing childhood and teenage experiences within Nigeria and the United Kingdom; and Part II is a collection of the most popular posts on my blog. My story is a comical take on my journey to self-discovery and my desperate attempts to fit into this odd world. My wish is that this book will inspire readers from all walks of life to accept themselves for who they are no matter what critics say, and to pursue their passion because that’s usually the one thing that makes us feel alive.

Book titles for consideration

  • The Crazy Nigerian (Same title as my blog)
  • Crazy Nigerian Boy
  • A spoonful of Imbroglio
  • This joke’s on me
  • X, Y, Me
  • Moonwalking down Memory Lane (I’m a big MJ fan)
  • Shut up! I’m talking…to myself
  • What they didn’t know
  • So you thought I wouldn’t publish this
  • Experience was my worst teacher
  • They don’t teach you this at school
  • Right off my chest
  • My brain is at the drycleaners
  • Air miles and plastic smiles
  • The Write-Off

If you could spare a minute and just Cut & Paste the title or titles you like, or you could conjure up a catchy title that you think will suit the type of book I’m writing – that’ll be great!

The Reward!

As part of a giveaway, I will be making an online version of my book available to all the people who comment on this post with their choice of title (or suggested title). Entries will close by April 30th, 2012 and thereafter I’ll send your exclusive free e-book to your email addy :)

Your’s truly,

*Jollof*  

‘D’ is for Desperado

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des·per·a·do /despəˈrädō/ a bold or violent criminal; a desperate person who has no hope. If you’ve ever heard anyone say, ‘Desperate times call for desperate measures’ then take a wild guess what they will be getting up to? No Good, that’s what!

Just a few days ago I was looking outside my office window when I suddenly noticed some commotion involving a motorcyclist and some banking officers. In the centre of it all was a man grimacing on the tarmac. It was reasonably safe to assume that the corporate vehicle the banking officers were in had hit the poor man. To my surprise I saw the victim grabbing hold of the grill of the car as the driver tried to reverse. Was this a foiled hit-and-run? Coincidentally a colleague of mine, an eye-witness, narrated what really happened…

The corporate car had just driven out of the car park and stopped by the pavement to pick up the banking officers. The driver came out of the car to put items in the boot before setting off. Unfortunately as the driver was about to get back into the car a motorcycle carrying a passenger clipped the driver’s door even as the driver quickly tried to close it. But what happened next baffled my colleague – the motorcyclist turned his head, peered into the car and after ’sizing up the talent’ seated in the backseat he proceeded to literally fall off his bike! Everyone around the scene looked on with disbelief…including the motorcyclist’s passenger who had already jumped off the bike unscathed.

The motorcyclist started to clutch his knee with ‘agony’ and strategically positioned himself in front of the rogue vehicle (so as to prevent the embarrassing scenario of the driver zooming off). He deliberately left his bike lying helplessly on its side while standby motorcyclists assisted to get it off the road. The driver knew the desperado’s game but he wasn’t ready to deal. They argued with each other and the fault was knocked back and forth like a tennis ball in a Nadal vs Federer endurance match. When the driver finally called a time-out he attempted to reverse the car in order to make a getaway. The trickster unexpectedly grabbed the grill of the Slow and Furious Toyota Corolla. He was barely dragged 10 inches before the car driver decided to stop and re-evaluate his next tactic.

The next and most effective choice of play by one of the banking officers however was to grease the motorcyclist’s palm (not literally, of course). At least that cut short his endless lament about how he was denied the payment he otherwise would have received from his passenger before the ‘wack-cident’ (nobody heard the passenger shout, YOU LIE! in the background, sigh). After the car sped off the injured motorcyclist miraculously stood on his two feet, mounted his bike and all onlooking motorcyclists cheered and hailed him – not  because he made a quick recovery but because he had made a quick buck! N1000  ($6 or thereabout). The desperado rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after…

Have you witnessed any acts of desperation? Are you an ex Commando Desperado with a few nasty stories to share? Like Fraiser Krane, I’m listening :D        

 

From Clueless to Cashless

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Earlier this year the unpredictable populace of Lagos staged a 6-day strike over the removal of the fuel subsidy, and unfortunately some protesters lost their lives. The Federal Government quickly realized that Lagos residents could not be coerced into accepting anything thrown at them. Fast forward to March 31st 2012 and it is of no surprise that the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) held its breath  as its controversial ’Cashless’ policy was about to come into full effect. Individuals and companies were determined to avoid incurring any unnecessary charges for depositing or withdrawing cash over the counter at banks. Both parties were armed with their weapons of choice: ATM debit cards, Cheque books, Mobile banking, Internet banking, Point of Sale (POS) Terminals and Fund Transfer Instructions. With agitated customers at one end and a ‘discerning’ government body at the other, guess who was going to be caught in the middle of crossfire? Me! – the bloody banker! But before any blood is shed I would like to shed more light on this issue.

If you walked into a Lagos-based bank today to withdraw more than N500,000 in cash ($3,175) from your bank account you would incur a 3% fee on the excess. If you were to deposit more than N500,000 in cash into your bank account you would incur a 2% fee on the excess. Similarly, if you own a company and you deposited or withdrew more than N3,000,000 in one day you would incur a 3% and 5% fee respectively on the excess. The underlying idea is to discourage the use of cash. But in a highly cash-driven economy such as Nigeria does CBN have any clue just how attached the people are to those Naira notes and how unprepared the system is for this ambitious project?

Prior to this cash-policy there was an older version released last year that raised eyebrows (and jolted machetes) amongst the Nigerian community. The thought of potentially having to pay fees as high as 10% and 20% (for individuals and companies) all because you were paying in or withdrawing more than the stipulated CBN cash limit was worrisome. The evil eyes usually rested with the banks because we were the ones keeping these fees by the time they were automatically deducted from account holders.

However there are some ‘artful dodgers’ who’ve simply decided to open multiple bank accounts in order to spread significant lodgment or withdrawals. Those who are ‘strategists’ (and probably avid fans of Sun Tzu) have formally written to the banks instructing that no lodgement over the CBN cash limit be paid into their corporate accounts. Some ‘desperadoes’ withdrew as much of their money as possible before March 31st even though they couldn’t escape the ’COT’ (Cost of Turnover) which Nigerian banks have gotten away with charging for charging sake, allegedly (but that’s another story).

At the moment the cash-less initiative is still at the pilot stage in Lagos till the end of 2012 when the policy will impact the rest of Nigeria. Meanwhile, some ATMs still have periodic downtimes for reasons other than being out of cash; some POS terminals still decline transactions based on card type used or signal strength in the POS location; Internet banking is sometimes cumbersome when you have to rely on choppy connectivity from telecom companies, whom I believe do not have the capacity or infrastructure yet to cater for Lagos let alone Nigeria as a whole.

While the rest of us watch and wait, only time will tell if CBN will go full circle; from clueless to cashless to clueless…

‘C’ is for Cursing

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Cursing /kûrsin/ verb. The use of swear words, usually in an exclamation (www.about.com). Also known as ‘Cussing’.

For centuries the art of Cursing has evolved and has become a staple part of day-to-day communication in a world where things tend to go wrong…a lot. A sensitive topic for some, Cursing is supposedly a taboo (especially for the self-righteous). But I know what my first utterance  would be if I were Jesus and I walked into a holy temple and suddenly discovered it had been turned into a marketplace – ‘WTF?’

Many times I’ve resisted the urge to belch out the filthiest swear words known to man…and many times I’ve failed. If it wasn’t the time I sped into an obscure pothole on Third Mainland bridge in the dead of the night, then it was probably just yesterday when for the first 3 hours of the day my laptop was rendered useless due to a ‘fatal error’ in its configuration. As a matter of fact my outdoor lunches in the past two days have been very cuss-worthy; I scoffed a sumptuous Spaghetti Bolognese with house fly, and the following day I gulped a mouth-watering bowl of green leaf soup with maggot (compliments to the chefs for testing my sanity and gag-reflexes).

Road rage probably accounts for most of my uncensored profanity in the confines of my soon-to-be corrupt black Chery. For every jerk who unexpectedly swerves into my lane I unexpectedly scream ‘FFS!’ - and if you don’t have a clue what that means then you probably will after you’ve driven on Lagos motorways for a few years. Personally, I think anyone who can keep cool after a couple of grazes on the bodywork, a dented bumper or fender, and a broken headlight is full of BS.

My Ghanaian friend is an advocate of free speech. He would literally go into a tantrum of exclaiming ‘FH!’ for two main reasons: Either he had to pay a ridiculously huge phone bill that month, or he had misplaced his phone somewhere for the umpteenth time. I can’t recall saying to anyone, ‘FY‘ (at least not recently) and I nearly omitted the ‘I’ in an email correspondence at work when sharing FYI-type of stuff. But rest assured, if I wake up for work late, break a dish plate, forget my wallet at home, lose another follicle on my dome, or burn my 2-minute Indomie noodles, I will be serenading unsuspecting eardrums with the F word.

Cussing arguably does not have a place in the world, especially in the workplace – it’s highly unprofessional and uncouth. But I bet that swear words are statistically more popular in everyday vocabulary than humble (and boring) words like ‘Sorry’ and ‘Please’. So am I suggesting that swear words are cool? HY!

Just try recounting a really funny or extraordinary story to a close friend and you’ll soon see how quickly you’d be reaching for a decent helping of cuss words to spice things up. If it was a scary experience for instance you’d probably have been ‘sh**ing yourself silly’ or ‘scared sh**less’ or just wondering how everything got all FU.

I’m kinda on the fence about the word ‘Screw’ though. I mean, every other day in Lagos I potentially get screwed over by my mechanic and I think one of my neighbours has a screw loose but it would be going absolutely too far if I told someone SY. It may be the way I’m feeling but FFS I have to live with ‘em so I better watch my manners (This year though before I renew my rent I pray that neighbour would just FO!).

If you used to cuss or swear and you don’t anymore then good for you! If you still do (and you want to stop) then you’d probably need to watch the company you keep, cut down on music with explicit lyrics, stop watching anything with Samuel L. Jackson in it, and maybe just live in a bubble. And if you think this advice is a just a load of BS then you can KMA   :D

 See also ‘B’ is for Blunder

Using the iQuit app

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Everybody has a limit; a time when you say to yourself, ‘Enough is enough! I can’t take this anymore! I’ve had it up to here! And without half-realizing it, you’re actually psyched up to walk up to your boss (whom is obviously an avid fan of The Apprentice). You’ve just had the verbal lashing of your life and then you and your boss stare at each other (squinted, of course) like you’re about to have a cowboy showdown. Both your tongues are armed and ready in their ‘holsters’ as each of you is about to unleash one deadly bullet; hers engraved with the words, ‘YOU’RE FIRED’ and yours engraved with the words ‘I QUIT’ but only one of you will get the satisfaction…

It was over a year ago when I was constantly caught in the middle of crossfire; endless tirades of abuse and ridicule all in a bid to reduce me to a bucket of nerves. I actually looked forward to going home to encounter my noisy neighbours. I knew that I couldn’t retaliate physically, nor could I retaliate verbally but I had to approach this duel strategically.

Like a spare bullet I needed a back-up plan…a safety net…some comfort that would allow me react to my boss without any dire repercussions. I knew some people in management but she knew some more prominent people in executive management – so that was a no-go. I also had a good rapport with Human Resources (HR) but my boss had them eating out of her palm whenever she wanted her stinker copied into your personal files. My situation seemed helpless, though there was one final option I hadn’t considered…

On D-day (Demolition day) I had previously been granted my 2-day study leave request by HR but my boss had told me I was still expected to come to work despite submitting a comprehensive handover note. I didn’t argue at first. So I’d lose  one day – at least I had one more day available to study for my professional exam (EEEEH! Wrong!). At the close of business that day my boss told me I was expected to come to work on my second day of study leave, thus defeating the whole purpose of my leave request! I left her office and typed a short letter at my desk. I walked back into her office shortly after and then reached into my ‘holster’, firing a resignation letter straight between eyes. She never saw it coming!

She didn’t take it sitting down though – she was livid about how I could do such an ’immature’ thing and went on about how she refused to accept my letter – that’s just as dumb as saying ‘I refuse to take this bullet you just shot into me’. I didn’t stick around for all the barking (for fear of getting Rabies if I was suddenly within biting distance). I briskly returned to my desk and signed into the iQuit application (which was more commonly known as the Exit Management portal). It was an incredibly easy application to use. You just stated the reason why you wanted to quit and then you had to confirm that you were absolutely sure about the decision since you would have to reapply in order to…(I had already pressed the Yes button before reading the rest of that statement actually).

So where did this spare bullet come from or was this a suicide mission? Well, truth be told, I had actually gotten a written job offer a few days before D-day and the timing couldn’t have been any better. I flung my jacket over my shoulder with one hand in my pocket and bounced out of the office with my flat nose pointing to the sky. In this deadly battle I had the last shot…the last say…and the last laugh :D