Day 3 – Brace yourselves for what you’re about to read; this wasn’t easy to type, believe me. I usually try to forget scary stuff but all righteousness must be fulfilled.
1. Candyman: If you haven’t heard about this movie then you’re about to get a crash course in primal fear. Legend has it that if you turn off the lights, stand in front of a mirror and say ‘Candyman’ three times a guy with a hook on his right hand would appear behind you and gut you like a fish. I’ve not had the liberty (or the balls) to test this theory so I guess that’s one mystery that Scooby Doo and the gang would have to solve without me.
2. Terrorists: On the 26th of August 2011, a bomb was detonated in the UN Office at Abuja, Nigeria. Unfortunately for the police the prime suspect was the suicide bomber, though the Boko Haram extremist group seem to be taking responsibility for this atrocity. Many innocent civilians lost their lives; and all this just days away from the Eid celebrations on 30th and 31st of August. Nobody knows where or when they may strike next.
3. Black Magic: Some call it Voodoo, others call it Witch Craft. I call it black magic (though Nigerians may be more acquainted with the term ‘Jazz’). I’ve heard of true-life encounters involving love potions used to charm men into marriage or parting with money. I think the ‘stray’ bullet in my bathroom which I blogged about a while back would also fall into this category. God will protect me.
4. Snakes: Anyone in their right mind would not have a snake as a pet, especially a boa constrictor which could strangle and swallow you whole. Snakes are so inconspicuous sometimes that you wouldn’t know when one has found its way under your bed
Though more common in the villages, snakes scare this crazy city slicker because a bite from a poisonous snake could be fatal and I’m not sure if the nearest hospital would have the anti-venom I needed (hiss).
5. Cockroaches: Have you ever seen an airborne cockroach? That’s enough to make me scream like a girl. God must really love theses creatures because they are only likely species to survive in the event of a full-scale Armageddon. They don’t get any mercy from me – I see ‘em I spray ‘em.
6. Being broke: I’ve had days when I was so out-of-pocket that I was eating baked beans from a tin. Don’t you find that sometimes when you desperately need some cash that’s when all your friends are in a tight spot. Even the banks turn their noses up when you walk through their doors. I’ve learnt to save money – no matter how little; it quickly adds up. I can recall I was doing some spring cleaning when I suddenly found a handful of cash in one of shoes (I had kept some cash there when I didn’t want to carry my bulky wallet on a night out. I found that money a few months later when I really needed it. Save, Save and Save some more!
7. A.I.D.S: Strangely enough the no.1 killer in Africa is Malaria (though it has a cure), while Cancer may be treatable if caught early. But I feel A.I.D.S is deadlier because I don’t know of any prescribed cure that would wipe it out of one’s system – I only know of the cure that would delay inevitable, premature death. Two words – Safe Sex.
8. Working for someone else till I retire: As much as I like a guaranteed salary at the end of every month, I would like to be my own boss. It’s not easy running your own business and I know it requires a lot of discipline, drive and determination to succeed. If I get it right perhaps I could retire early and do a cruise around the world. I’m still young so a little voice is telling me ‘Fear not!’.
And now for something completely different…
Bonus feature: THE SUM OF ALL FEARS (Spoiler)
A young man is stuck in a dead-end job and barely has enough cash to catch a taxi home when suddenly a scorned ex-employee is running round the office and stabbing people with a syringe which he claims is infected with HIV. The broke young man manages to get past the deranged attacker and locks himself in the gents. Just before the lights go out he sees a cockroach scurrying up the wall. There’s a big mirror and he remembers the Candyman myths. He panics and gets out his Nokia mobile phone to pass the time playing Snakes. The screaming continues in the background and then someone distinctly yells, ‘HE’s GOT A BOMB!’…