Exclusive promo video to promote the launch of The Crazy Nigerian – a hilarious memoir of mishaps and misadventures, by Tonwa Anthony. Enjoy!
Exclusive promo video to promote the launch of The Crazy Nigerian – a hilarious memoir of mishaps and misadventures, by Tonwa Anthony. Enjoy!
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It seems like it was all a dream when Third Mainland Bridge was partially closed for urgent repairs for over a month (the tremors were becoming worrisome), thereby disrupting the regular movement of motorists commuting between Lagos mainland and Lagos … Continue reading
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Fidget /ˈfijit/ Noun or Verb. A quick, small movement, typically a repeated one, caused by nervousness or impatience (Source: Google). It also means to move restlessly or to cause worry (thefreedictionary.com). At my National Church Harvest last month, I was eating … Continue reading
That phrase usually surfaces in conversations when a (straight) man is about to spill his guts about how he has developed strong feelings for a lady (finally). But the problem I find is that we don’t always seem to know how to go about it right, without coming off sounding like a cheesy line straight out of the Jerry McGuire movie (Hint: What did the sentence say to the period?).
Imagine a man lying down next to his girlfriend on the beach. He’s giving her a sensual massage with the sweet-smelling coconut oil, while she’s sipping a scrumptious Chapman cocktail and reading the latest post from The Crazy Nigerian on her iPhone (what? it’s possible!). Suddenly, unknown to them, a Tsunami the size of King Kong is racing down towards them. There is clearly no chance of escape. He decides to seize his moment to confess his feelings. He turns her over and then he goes, ‘There’s something… (SPLASH!). Whoops! Too late
Now, the person I feel sorrier for is the poor girl who has no idea what her boyfriend intended to say before being slapped with one million gallons of salt water. For all she knows he was going to say;
But even if the Tsunami was non-existent, how do you think our lover boy would have concluded? ‘There’s something I want to tell you. I think about you every hour of every day and I would be doing myself an injustice if I didn’t tell you how much I want to be more than just your boyfriend. You have a smile that could melt an iceberg and a voice that could soothe a troubled spirit. I look forward to waking up each day ever since you became a part of my life and now I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. I guess what I’m trying to say is…I love you, I want no one else but you and I don’t want to go on living another second without my soul mate. will you marry me?
A bit over the top? A simple ‘I love you. Will you marry me?’ would probably have been enough to seal the deal (with a big shiny rock to match, of course). Men don’t always find it easy to express themselves; both in words and in actions. They sometimes spend too much time trying to read their partners thoughts. It’s best to keep things simple and just be open. Women can sense when men are being honest…and they appreciate it too. Men need to look their partner deep in the eyes and say exactly what is on their mind no matter how unrehearsed or unpolished. Blurt it out, follow-up with a kiss and a warm embrace…sparks are bound to fly (well, we can only hope). The next time you see that special someone tell him/her how you feel because you may never get that opportunity again.
By the way, Happy Independence Day Nigeria! Enjoy your 52nd year
This month marks the 50th anniversary of the TV show The Jetsons. What was awesome about The Jetsons is that it showed us a marvelous 21st century future of flying cars, robot slaves, two-hour work weeks, semi-articulate dogs and push-button … everything.
It was all bullshit, of course; practically none of it came true. Sure, buttons are everywhere, and dogs are closer than ever to speaking in adorably dog-accented English, but domestic robot technology is still limited to minor vacuuming and assisted masturbation duties.
You thought I would forget? You thought I wouldn’t keep my word? Not the Crazy Nigerian (Dictum Meum Pactum). Some months ago I asked for your help with my book title. I also said that participants would get a free copy of my e-book for their reading enjoyment. Here is the shortlist of the lucky winners:
|J. Todd Hubbard|
Congratulations and look out for the e-book which will be sent shortly to the email addresses intially provided during the participation stage. Don’t forget to drop a review on Amazonbooks, Kobobooks or Authorhouse bookstore.
Thank you so much for being a part of my dream…well, one of my dreams
Jollof aka tHe CraZy NiGeRiAn
So you’ve hustled the streets of Lagos and discovered that there is a growing affiliation towards Nigerian music – you hear it blasting from the cars with lowered windows as the drivers try to conserve fuel (cheapskates) and you also see it from the number of CD singles being sold like hot cake for N150/$1 (street hawkers) . You can’t quite understand this because you remember a time when you stormed into a club with ‘Return of the Mack’ to welcome you, followed shortly by ‘This Is How We Do It’. But this is NOT how the clubs are doing it now.
Out goes the American hip-hop & RnB and in comes the Nigerian pidgin-pop & PnP (Peter and Paul, commonly known as PSquared). You’ve seen D’banj do it, Wande Coal do it, M.I do it, Davido do it, and Darey do it (though he’s arguably not as rich as the other artists) but nonetheless, a ludicrous idea starts to brew in your dandruff-riddled head – If I can record one hit song I can stop eating Indomie noodles for life!
Whilst this couldn’t be further from the truth (with zero singing experience, zero credibility and zero myspace fans to your name), miracles abound when you consider the following valuable tips:
1. Craft a cool stage name for yourself: Don’t call yourself ‘David’; call yourself ‘Davido’! Don’t call yourself Dapo Oyebanjo; call yourself ‘D’banj’. If your real name is Alex Poopoo (which has already gotten your singing career off to a terrible start) then get creative and transform your name to ‘Lexi-P’ - you get my drift? Boring names in the Nigerian music industry don’t get you very far e.g. Dare Art Alade, which was subsequently transformed to ‘Darey’, now looks and sounds much cooler.
2. Use Autotune and plenty of it: You don’t have to know how to sing – that’s years of sore lungs and ear-deafening you don’t have time for. Do what the veterans are doing – synthesize your wack voice and you will soon be sounding like T-pain, Lil’ Wayne, Wande Coal, 9ice and Wizkid, just to mention a few.
3. Make your chorus catchy with keywords (and repeat them throughout the song): The best part about this tip is that the keyword doesn’t have to be an actual word that exists in the English dictionary. For example, just say words like ’ti-ko-ko ti-koko’ and explain in your song that this the sound your heart makes when your dream girl is around you. Also, make as many exclamations as possible. Beyonce’s ’Crazy in love’ track is laced with the ‘Uh-oh’ sound which sounds like she’s made one to many blunders but works like a charm. Rhianna cleverly adds the exclamation ‘eh-eh-eh!’ to her platinum track ‘Umbrella’ and Banky W can testify to its success.
4. Infuse pidgin into every track: Remember, this is the Nigerian market you’re trying to penetrate. If you sing completely in English then you will NOT be relating on the same level with the average Nigerian. In fact you’ll probably be seen as being a stuck-up, arrogant, returnee from the UK or US who’s trying to impress those who’ve got ZERO chance of getting VISAs to travel out of Nigeria in the foreseeable future. E.g. While Darey’s ’Not the girl’ was a hit among the hip Nigerian community, it wasn’t churning the kind of public interest and cash that D’banj’s ’Ogbono feli feli’ was doing effortlessly. Today, Darey is attempting more club bangers and lacing them with generous helpings of pidgin English (The song ‘Ba Ni Kidi’ is not exactly a work of art but definitely a work of Art-Alade).
But by far the most important tip you consider when planning to make a hit song in Nigeria is to make an appointment with the Hitmakers. Yes, the Hitmakers. Every desperate artist in Nigeria who has engaged in business with them has made certified hits (I have been discouraged by some of my blog fans to mention actual names). The artists themselves do not own up to that fact, nor do the Hitmakers who prefer to keep their dealings private. Somehow, I feel we know who they are. I imagine if you were to go to their secret studio your nauseating song would be transformed into a beatilicious cocktail of pidgin and nonsensical exclamations in no time. I can give you the lead…but it’ll cost you :)
I leave you now with the infectious track ‘Kukere’ which is a mega-hit in Nigeria. Don’t worry about what it means, just enjoy it! (well, it actually means ‘Don’t worry’ in Efik – one of many Nigerian languages).
My debut book, The Crazy Nigerian is now available! (Look ma! I did it!) In order to get your copy of this gut-busting, action-packed memoir of my memorable mishaps and misadventures, then just keep reading. Soft paperback and E-book version available on Authorhouse, Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can enjoy The Crazy Nigerian on your Nooks, iPads and Kindles if paper isn’t your thing. In Lagos, my book is currently available at Terra Kulture bookshop, The Hub Media Store (Palms, Lekki), Silverbird lifestyle Victoria Island and soon to hit other local bookstores so watch this space.Be sure to leave your comments here or alternatively you can send them to email@example.com. Alternatively you can call +2347032024019 or send a BB message to 284D7BB7 to speak to the Crazy Nigerian in person. You can show your support by going to ‘Like‘ my Facebook fan page ‘Tonwa Anthony’. Crazy videos coming soon! Comments & criticisms also welcome…(yikes!) Follow @dcrazynigerian for crazy updates and crazy articles.
**EXCLUSIVE: ENJOY MY CRAZY NIGERIAN VIDEO! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ugqU9hbpfo
To read my latest blog post just look below this one. Thank you.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, ‘Do you have
N5k? I’ll pay you back at the end of the month’, then by now I would probably be under intense investigation by the EFCC (the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission). I mean, for crying out loud! we only just got paid last week! Broke already??? Are you owing the mafia or your mistress, huh? which is it?!! – Those are among some of the burning questions which I’m often tempted to throw to my prospective debtors, but I dare not ask (for fear of a diabolical answer…yikes!).
It all starts with the dreaded (physical) approach, which you almost never see coming. The approach is accompanied by a plausible story along the lines of a deal to be closed, rent being due or some other financial commitment. After you’ve assimilated the story then comes the amount being requested (which I probably feel is only an eighth of what they really want to ask for). You ponder over it for a few minutes and you feel inclined to dip your hand into your wallet to make someone happy. That person promises to redeem his IOU which you stupidly decided was not needed in writing. By the time it is month end, you’re hoping to get a cheque sent over to your desk or at least an sms credit alert confirming payment of the sum owed - but alas, you get zilch! You take it upon yourself to track your debtor and he/she starts to avoid you; you both just always happen to be going in separate directions. He/she suddenly becomes too busy to attend to you and even pick up your phone calls.
The worst part is that when you finally get to confront them about the debt THEY want to give you attitude. You become the pest who’s being inconsiderate because you’re asking for your own money. IOU forgotten, trust broken and friendship lost (along with your money). Ladies and gentlemen I give you the rules of lending:
Rule 1 – Assess the capacity of the debtor to pay back.
Rule 2 – Assess the willingness of the debtor to pay back.
Rule 3 – Keep record of the debtor’s stories (e.g. his/her father has to be buried…again)
Rule 4 – Lend what you can do without (not what would make you jump off a bridge)
Rule 5 - Collect a postdated cheque (they’ll know you mean business like ‘bounce that cheque’…I dare you! lol)
Well there you have it. You have mastered the rules of lending. Never again will you be duped into giving your hard-earned cash to ungrateful slobs who scavenge the earth. They’re lucky you’re not even charging interest (or pressing charges). Till my next article, lend responsibly!
These days you can’t blame paranoid couples for wanting to throw in nuptials (especially when one of them is filthy rich!). But if there’s a good sense of trust between the two lovers then they could go on to explore the depth of their intimacy and hope to stumble upon an orgasm or two if they’re lucky. Then just when you least expect it, one of you becomes pregnant. Nine months down the line you start asking yourself some serious questions like ‘Will I be a good father/mother?’ ‘Am I going to be able to cope with all the baby expenses?’ or if there’s been suspected infidelity, ‘Why does this baby look like my gardener?’ Life starts becoming a mundane routine involving nappy changing, baby feeding and ‘gaga-googoo’ talking. Years go by and suddenly you catch an infection more commonly known as the seven-year itch. Left untreated, this could spell disaster for even the most compatible relationships. Love seemingly turns sour and tension begins to build up whenever you’re on the same bed. Sex is a thing of the past and your mind is clouded with uncertainty as to whether you have become less attractive (or plain grotesque) to your other half. Such desperate times may cause the man to turn to drugs…Viagra, to be precise (although, if the problem is too many kids then we could be talking Vasectomy instead). Women don’t get off that easy as they also have to play their own part in ‘keeping things up’ - Wondebra takes care of that. The desired outcome would be to rekindle the flame and seal the deal with more frequent XOXOs (hugs and kisses). As your energies combine, you both realize you can’t exist without each other; he’s your Yin and she’s your Yang. When you’re both in your seventies and having sex, your passionate oooh’s and aaah’s will soon become uncontrollable Zzzzzzzzzz’s…
See also The A-Z of Relationships Part 1
At first there is the sudden and quite unexpected attraction. Then one of the two parties subtly tries to beckon the other by way of some gesture; perhaps a wink or an outright stare. If this goes well and chemistry is established then they could proceed to the dating stage. If there are fireworks aplenty then be sure of an exchange of phone numbers, Facebook IDs, twitter handles, etc. Only the adventurous dare to do some good ol’ flirting. Every now and again there’s the occasional gift in the form of flowers (for no particular reason), or phone recharge vouchers (if your partner keeps ending each conversation with ‘I’m running out of credit’). It’s only fair to assume that the gift-buyer has now earned the right to do some holding – of the hands, of the curves, of your favourite body part (whatever that is). Some of us go one step further and offer an invitation to have a home-cooked dinner (true intentions concealed, of course). Right before one of you makes a move, you get the jitters (some call it butterflies in your tummy while others just call it a bad case of gas). The climax of the night is reached when you’ve successfully kissed your partner (I mean Hollywood-kissed with lots of tongue!). Inevitably the two of you fall hopelessly in love…and if both sets of parents approve (or are deceased, as the case may be) then it’s a good time as any for marriage…and that’s when it starts to get a little bit complicated.
Stay tuned for Part 2
Two days ago I was driving home from work with four colleagues in my car. One of them asked if I got a mechanic to check my alternator (the thingamajig or the whatchumakallit that helps charge the car battery, apparently) after my car decided not to start the previous night. I hadn’t. I just bought a new car battery and I was fine with my car moving from A to B. I let them know that I appreciated the interest they took in the well-being of my car. The response that followed seemed quite unusual – ‘…but we’re all stakeholders of the car’. And then, that got me thinking…
‘If we’re all stakeholders, who’s the chairman?’ I asked. One responded, ‘Of course, you are’. Well that doesn’t seem fair, I thought. Why does the chairman have to be the one stuck driving in traffic while my passengers put their feet up and enjoy the cool air-conditioning? The dynamics of this arrangement had to be rearranged. I suggested that the responsibility of driving my car should be shared among themselves. There was no comment…just a few awkward diplomatic laughs.
I went on to ask my stakeholders what their involvement would be in my car’s well-being if I suddenly had a flat tyre. There was no comment…at first. Then one of the guys summoned up the courage and said, ‘I will divert traffic’. Another one said, ‘I’ll look out for suspicious motorcyclists’. Another one said, ‘I will take out the caution signs and place them behind the car for oncoming motorists. Finally, the last passenger paused and then he said, ‘I’ll jack up the car’ – to which I asked, ‘So who’s going to change the flat tyre?’ There was no comment. I guess the Chairman’s work is never done (So much for stakeholders, eh? More like sleeping partners, lol).
The important thing is that deep down I know that when it comes to the crunch, my friends will lend a helping hand – because that’s what friends are for. And if they do otherwise, then as chairman I’m dissolving the board immediately i.e. YOU’RE FIRED!!!
N.B: follow @dcrazynigerian on Twitter for more updates on my new book. Click here for a free preview on Amazon.
They say ‘curiosity killed the cat’…well, they’re probably mistaken because a little blue bird (not Twitter) told me a cat has nine lives. But anyway, as much as we all love to browse the Net for information, I’m certain there’s some info you don’t want to know.
~ ~ ~
Here’s my countdown (and do let me know if I hit the mark or if you’re comfortable with none, some of all of them:
10. When the world will come to an end
09. Whether there will be World War III
08. How hygienic the kitchen and the person cooking your dinner in a restaurant is
07. Whether your grandparents or parents still ‘do it’
06. The number of buttocks that sit on your local public toilet seats
05. All the wrong decisions you unknowingly made in the past.
04. Whether you’ve already missed meeting Mr or Mrs Right
03. What people actually say behind your back
02. Whether you will ever become a millionaire or so rich you don’t have to work
01. The day you are going to die
Afterthought: If I inserted a link which said ‘Once you click here you will be taken to a site that accurately predicts the precise date and time you are going to die’ would you click on it? (spooky)
I’ve always had my suspicions, but I’ve now got conclusive evidence. Even though he’s in his fifties, he definitely has some striking qualities which I feel gives him the edge I desperately need (I think).
First of all he’s got a crown of bright silver hair which makes him look pretty cool. On my head, however, all you’ll find there is your reflection, a few beauty spots, and a glossy finish. I just have a few strands of silver sprouts in my chin region - so a silver beard is my only hope I guess.
My dad also does ‘the walk’. Let me try to explain it – it’s this confident strut that commands respect gives an air of royalty and sophistication. I walk like I’m being followed closely by FBI agents and many of my friends have complained that they found it difficult to keep up the pace. At least I don’t walk like a penguin.
He drives a popular Toyota car while I drive a South Korean-made car which many Nigerians haven’t heard of (If you haven’t seen my car yet then you can click on this link). My excuse; it gets me from A to B and that’s all that matters.
He’s very soft-spoken and rarely gets angry. I on the other hand can flip quicker than a Romanian gymnast! Just a few daily encounters with my annoying neighbour and all the Okada riders in Lagos are all I need to trigger a fit of verbal diarrhoea.
Well, I’m not going to compete. I’m just going to be the best ‘me’ I can be
(To dad – Don’t let this post get to your head by the time you read it! Lots of love)
1. He insists on taking you to a takeaway joint on your first date.
2. On your second date at a restaurant, he cunningly goes straight to the main course menu in the hope that you don’t bother ordering for starters or appetizers.
3. Before making the order he keeps trying to confirm from the waiter whether the portions are filling enough for the prices being charged.
4. He asks the waiter if the restaurant charges for tap water.
5. He asks for a second round of complimentary bread rolls.
6. He finishes every single crumb in his dinner plate and starts criticizing yours with comments like, ‘Are you gonna eat that?’ or ’I knew you wouldn’t be able to finish that.’
7. He tells you right after dinner that he’s tried the dessert before and they weren’t any good.
8. He pays for dinner, knows he’s due to be given some change e.g. fifty Naira (about a third of a US dollar)…and waits for it.
9. He leaves without tipping either the helpful waiter, the courteous doorman, or the smooth-tongued security guard who’s been calling him ‘Chairman’ all the way to his car.
10. He tells you he’d like to do this again sometime, and then when the time comes he offers to cook dinner at his place instead.
If you’re a cheapskate or someone who went on a date with a cheapskate then do share your horror stories
‘Mmmmm….urgh…ummm….6am already! Let me just snooze for ten minutes. Not again…ten minutes already? just another ten minutes. Okay, that’s it…if I don’t get up now for church I’ll have to wait outside like the five foolish virgins. Taken my bath…brushed my teeth…checked my window to see if my annoying neighbour is packed behind my car…what should I wear today? Where the hell are my shoes? Oh, they’re in my car…that’s right. I know I’m forgetting something…I can hear my dad’s voice echoing in my head ‘the hangers! don’t forget the hangers!’…good thing I remembered.’
‘The security guard washed my car…I must give him something…I hate reversing out of this compound – it’s always tricky. Now where’s the change for this man…I can’t find any! Oh no…and he’s greeting me…I feel bad now. That will have to wait till next time. I’m going to drive like a madman if I want to make it in five minutes. Get out-of-the-way you daydreamer! The road is big enough for the two of us! Almost there…phew! lucky me – I made it. My favourite seat is free…thank God.’
‘Oh…a member of the choir is giving today’s sermon? Cool. She’s got many talents…probably knows how to play the church organ too. Good topic…not sure if she’s moving the crowd…but that guy sitting upstairs sure is ‘in the spirit’. Why does he always have to shout ‘PREACH!’ Doesn’t he know he’s probably intimidating members of the congregation? I don’t recall him doing this when he used to sit downstairs. Now he does it where most of us won’t see him…ah well.’
‘Offering time…let me get my wallet out before the usher gets here…what the…? I forgot my wallet! That’s what I had forgotten…shit! Let me see if my cheque book is with me…damn, it’s at home. The bag is getting closer…I’m going to have to pass the bag on…I’ve done it…I’m sure the usher would judge me…and here I am wearing a badge boldly stating I’m a member of the Committee member of the 2012 Harvest – I should be the first to give and give some more…how awkward. I don’t even deserve to partake in Holy Communion…but I will anyway.’
‘Looking forward to breakfast with the family…at least I didn’t forget the hangers…now what am I going to blog about next…?
Back in secondary/high school you were either cool, nerdy, or ‘razz’ (neither cool enough to hang with the cool kids, nor smart enough to hang with the bookworms, and not worthy to be seen in public with). I’d like to think I was somewhere in between cool and nerdy but that’s beside the point. If a boy wanted to chat up a girl he had to check himself first and know what category he fell into i.e. cool, nerdy or razz. If a cool guy went out with a cool girl, that was fine. If a cool guy went out with a nerdy girl, that was also fine. If a cool guy went out with a razz girl then he had to get his head examined.
So also if a nerdy boy went out with a nerdy girl, that was fine but going out with a razz girl would not be an intellectually sound decision. However a nerdy boy going out with a cool girl, though rare, could only work during the holidays (over the phone, of course) or if he’s already driving his dad’s car. Razz boys and girls are pretty much like the O Negative (O-) blood type – they can give affection (not blood in this case) to everyone but they usually only receive affection from other razz kids (sounds harsh but sadly it’s true). Anyway, it’s no surprise that when I was attracted to one of the coolest girls in school I was told by my good friend that she was out of my league…
First thought – insult. Afterthought – the question all the uncool boys in my school year were asking, ‘How the hell do I get into her league?’ It was a case of ditch my nerdy friends and do something mega cool to become one of the cool kids. But that was never a guarantee of getting lucky with a cool girl. In the end you risked losing your nerdy friends, getting snubbed by the cool kids, and being left vulnerable to the razz crowd.
Today, I’ve discovered that adulthood is a much fairer ballgame. You see, the nerdy kids sometimes turn out to be cool after making a wad of cool cash and hanging out with their cool clients – eventually something is going to rub off on them sooner or later. Even razz kids sometimes see the light as they get older and get exposed to more than just cable television. If I see a girl whose sooooooooo out of my league then she’s just going to have to tell me herself…and then I could consider any of the following comebacks:
Er…that’s all I’ve got. The moral of this post is just go for it and don’t live your life wondering what would’ve been – you never know. I’ll go take my meds now :D
Excuse /ik-skyϋz/ noun. something offered as justification or as grounds for being excused; an expression of regret or failure to do something; a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offence (Sources: Google, Merriam-Webster.com).
Not everyone is skilled at making things, but you don’t need a lecturer to teach you how to make ‘excuses’ – that’s second nature to us. Everybody, at some time or the other, makes excuses but the ones that piss me off are those coming from people you care about.
Some of my good friends have given me very flimsy excuses. On one occasion, I had invited a couple of them over for food and drinks (I never even imposed that they bring a customary bottle of wine like Europeans do). I gave one month’s notice, a week’s notice and then finally a day’s notice. On D-day, however, one hour went by, and then two, yet no one had shown up to my shindig, which eventually turned out to be a shitdig (you dig?). Among the excuses were:
I probably had more excuses lined up but I wasn’t ready to waste my valuable call credit hearing them. Needless to say, being a master of plan Bs, I simply called another bunch of friends the following weekend and I went from shitdig to shindiggity-do-dah! What a fuckin’ riot!
Excuses should be limited to places where they’re less likely to hurt a person in particular. For instance, the office gets a barrage of excuses which don’t directly hurt any one particular individual. Some of the popular ones I’ve heard include: ‘I had the runs’; ‘My car didn’t start’; ‘I had a flat tyre’; ‘There was an accident my way to work’; ‘I forgot my phone at home and had to go back’ etc. And when they start getting less creative, you got concise excuses such as ‘Family emergency’ (because no supervisor or boss usually wants to know all the gory details for possible fear of being asked for financial assistance).
I’ve often wondered, are excuses just creative lies or are they ever believed to be genuine (even when they are)? I’ve used them…I’ve used them a lot, unfortunately. All the times I’ve been invited to one function or the other, times when I was supposed to clean up my apartment, times when should have gone to the gym, times when I should have said a short prayer before starting my day…I’ve even delayed this post for a while and I have no excuse for that. To all those who plan on making their next excuse, consider the following: Would you like it if someone told you that same excuse? Are you sure you haven’t used the same excuse for the same person? What’s the worst that could happen if you say yes?
It’s late now. I want to go to bed. I feel I’ve written enough on this topic…well, like them or not, those are my excuses
See also D is for Desperado
I was looking forward to scoffing down a hot meal after a breathtaking gym session at my fitness club last night. I was greatly disappointed when I was told that the in-house restaurant was closed so I decided to go to Ikeja Shoprite Mall and try out the new hangout spot upstairs, which I think should have been called Blackberry Central.
Despite the crooning of the
kamikaze karaoke crew all night, there was barely any acknowledgment from the uninterested guests – no clapping, no swaying from side to side, no nodding to the rhythm…except, of course, to the rhythm of the perpetual keypad tapping commonly associated with the receipt of a much awaited response on a blackberry chat. Was I the only one being forced to look at my wrist and table knife desperately whilst someone was ironically ‘killing me softly with his song’ (Note – that song should only be sung by women, period). Was I the only one seeing more flashing red lights than a laser eye surgeon? Maybe.
I ordered my healthy choice – spaghetti bolognese (I hope that’s how it’s spelt…too lazy to check Jamie Oliver’s website). When it eventually came, turns out it was able to feed three people. I had my work cut out for me so I raised up my sleeves, loosened my belt buckle a notch, and attempted to conquer the red spiral mountain. It was at that point I noticed two young men walk into the karaoke bar…restaurant… ‘karaokaurant’, and within minutes of finding a table to sit at, they both took out their blackberries and proceeded to ignore each other…pretty much for the same amount of time it took me to finish my Man v Food challenge (sorry Adam, I didn’t make it this time around). What’s so mesmerizing about having a silent conversation using your fingertips?
That’s the question I should have asked the last girl I took to the movies. She probably watched only the previews before the dreaded red light started flashing right into the corner of my eye. I practically told her off because that was down right rude (and it was a waste of my hard-earned money, fuel, and dating-time. The only flick she’ll be seeing with me is the one I would give her before walking away i.e. getting that dirt off my shoulder.
Are you one of those smart phone users whose ignoring people around subconsciously? Do you eat, drive or pee with your smartphone in your other hand? Is your smartphone taking over your social life? Do share…if you dare
We lost our relatives
We lost our other halves
We lost our friends
We lost hope … we almost lost the will to go on living
We have them in our memories
We have them forever in our hearts
We have hope for a brighter tomorrow
… and until that day when we shall reunite with the loved ones we lost, we have each other
In memory of victims of the Dana air plane crash that took over one hundred and fifty lives on June 3rd, 2012.
May their souls rest in perfect peace…
It’s the year 1990. You’ve recently splurged on your new phone and you just can’t wait for one of your friends to call you. It’s got a mean green LCD screen, soft alpha-numeric keypad, a two-inch antenna, and a long-lasting battery which you’ve already estimated can be passed down…to your grandkids. You sit in the mist of your counterparts at the bar after work with everyone’s phones placed on the table and you all start to argue over whose phone is smarter, and that’s when you realize your phone is desperately trying to hide behind your beer glass. Why? Its intimidated by the competition and you should be too – phones are supposed to be an extension of your personality, aren’t they?
The Nokia 3210, for example, was the must-have phone back in the day. It was a cool tool. What it lacked in colour it made up for in its addictive Snake game. You could leave it in the hands of a hyperactive toddler and be rest assured that it wouldn’t be smashed to pieces after being used as a mallet – it’s that durable…and it weighs a tonne. With over 50 annoying polyphonic ringtones (and the sad option of being able to compose your own ringtone) there was a lot to amuse oneself. However the phone is not exactly a babe magnet nor does it shout ‘Hey! I’m keeping up with technological advancements’. What it does say is ’I think it’s time you got an upgrade because people are giving me funny looks and let’s face it…you’ll never get past level 9 in Snakes’. The absence of a built-in camera is its major setback and it’s not social media-friendly either. But if it’s any consolation it will last you a lifetime!
Fast forward a little and it feels like the transition from black and white to colour television is repeating itself. If you’re a typical Samsung fanatic complete with the Samsung refrigerator, LCD TV, laptop and tablet, then I’m betting a hundred to one that you’ve already got a snazzy, technicolor Samsung phone. What I like about Samsung is it’s over-the-top use of colour to wow its consumers. It’s like having your very own kaleidoscope in the palm of your hand (I guess Samsung decided to take on the ‘rainbow in my pocket’ challenge and actually won!). Sadly I don’t sing the Sam-song.
But while Nokia and Samsung phones tend to keep things simple e.g. Searching through your contacts to make a phone call or composing a text message, Sony Ericsson believe the more complicated a basic function is, the more sophisticated you appear to be (er…try clueless). Sony took the concept of Differentiation and completely turned it over its head…to the detriment of potential phone users. This is No Phone for Old Men – the phone will only amuse and confuse them (unless they’re patient enough to read the bulky manual…and even that is in small print).
Low and behold, the emergence of the smartphone reminds us that we are stupid and that we need a phone that can do all our thinking for us. Today you have phones that come with a QWERTY keypad because the phone manufacturers think some of us are too stupid to use the alpha-numeric keypad any longer. In fact, some of us are also believed to be so lazy that we need touchscreens because keypads are just too much pressure for the fingertips and thumbs. It’s already bad enough that I’ve got one hand occupied with a ‘dullphone’ whilst I’m using the urinal but trying to use two hands on a smartphone will lead to unavoidable spillage, if you know what I mean. It seems virtually all phone manufacturers have jumped on the bandwagon, with Blackberry holding fort.
But without deviating much further from the topic, your phone makes a bold statement about you – Phones with no colour and camera would throw you into the Stone Age category; phones with swivel/slide, mp3, video or touch screen technology would throw you into the Techy/Nerdy category; whilst phones that happen to be the latest to hit the market (and are usually expensive and are only changed when another new phone is trending) would put you in the I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-my-money category. Such people want to be noticed by everyone and would steal any opportunity to flash their nifty gadgets. If it doesn’t spark up conversation then it’s probably your phone not theirs. By the time you’re done talking to them their phone will be all that you remember.
So there you have it – the type of phone you use can tell someone if you’re simple or complex, cool or old school, and whether you’re smart or
dull trying to get smart. My theory isn’t founded, of course, but we’re all making our two-worded judgements (‘show-off!’, ‘smart-alec’ or ‘dumb-ass!’, they’ll decide )
For all those aspiring to get their hands on that golden symbol of perfection I’ve
wiki leaked these tips which the Oscar judges don’t want you to know:
…and if you still haven’t won an oscar after applying all these principles time and time again, then don’t despair…there’s always the posthumous Oscar award up for grabs!
What my book isn’t
What my book will be (hopefully)
My book is in two parts: Part I is a collection of all my intriguing childhood and teenage experiences within Nigeria and the United Kingdom; and Part II is a collection of the most popular posts on my blog. My story is a comical take on my journey to self-discovery and my desperate attempts to fit into this odd world. My wish is that this book will inspire readers from all walks of life to accept themselves for who they are no matter what critics say, and to pursue their passion because that’s usually the one thing that makes us feel alive.
Book titles for consideration
If you could spare a minute and just Cut & Paste the title or titles you like, or you could conjure up a catchy title that you think will suit the type of book I’m writing – that’ll be great!
As part of a giveaway, I will be making an online version of my book available to all the people who comment on this post with their choice of title (or suggested title). Entries will close by April 30th, 2012 and thereafter I’ll send your exclusive free e-book to your email addy
...because life happens to all of us & sometimes we get a second chance...
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