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EP3 – What Nigerian men really want Before I go into any sort of detail, let me begin by saying I feel a lot of Nigerian men think they know what they want…until they have it and then they realize … Continue reading
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Warning: This article may upset the ‘lovey dovey’ women (you know, the Cinderella-happily-ever-after-romcom-sex-and-the-city-bridget-jones-diary types) who believe wedding rings must be worn at all times after the marriage ceremony is long over. On the other hand, this article may simultaneously excite … Continue reading
This post has been modified to comply with the Image vs Text DPchallenge. Picture this: He is about to erupt like a volcano. He’s been running around all day and he’s not yet had a chance to empty his swollen bladder. He finally makes it to the toilet and just barely manages to undo his jeans zip whilst stomping his feet like he’s been treading barefoot on hot coal. At this point his eyes are already firmly rolled to the back of his head as he positions himself to take aim into the toilet bowl below. He has already made up his mind to take a stand because in HIS mind he’s a sharp shooter. So he brandishes his ‘piss tool’, he aims, he shoots and to his surprise he misses…but the toilet seat gets it.
This is a common phenomenon that has baffled women for centuries; not the fact that men miss but that they choose not to lift the toilet seat up. Now, I’m going to attempt approaching this sensitive topic as objectively as possible. There are 4 types of men that use the toilet:
a) The Lazy man – This breed of man makes up close to 80 percent of the world’s population. They consist of those who are ready to take a piss just about anywhere in public. They urinate directly on the DO NOT URINATE HERE signs, at least in Nigeria. The toilet seat, in their eyes, is a 50 pound weight that requires brute strength in lifting. These amateur artists will turn any white canvas into a bed of yellow poker dots. And if you expect them to clean up after themselves then please revert to the type of man (in bold) being analyzed in point ‘a’.
b) The Proud man – This type of man may not necessarily have anything to be proud of but certainly feels too big to bend over and touch a toilet seat, let alone lift it. He has more ‘important things’ to worry about. He thinks it’s someone else’s job to clean his mess up (it’s beneath him). He is often ready to criticize those that violate toilet seats and this makes him a Pharisee. He is usually the last person you would ever suspect of committing such atrocities. As far as he is concerned even his s*** doesn’t stink, but that’s another story so let’s stick with the subject.
c) The Inconsiderate man – Commonly associated with men who are in relationships and are yet to be married. They seem to forget quite easily that there is another person living with them or who comes to visit them frequently. These men tend to be stuck in their ways and believe their partners should quit complaining and just adapt. If ‘she’ says to him ‘Lift before you pee’ then ‘his’ response would probably be ‘Wipe before you sit’. Men in this situation would agree that the toilet seat becomes one of the trivial issues that could ignite an argument, especially if some making up was in order the previous night.
d) The Gentleman – All the ladies love this type of man. No matter how pressed he is he always manages to lift the toilet seat up and even remembers to put it back down for his lady. Some guys would say he’s soft, others say he’s a pushover. But women say he is a considerate, humble and diligent man. He is the pee-ing man’s role model. He aims and hits his target. He only makes up less than 20 percent of the world’s population and most of his type were raised by decent parents, have great toilet etiquette, and write crazy blogs and wear bow ties….
I personally don’t like seeing grown men being reduced to tears but from my own little research I’ve come to realize that they are sometimes justified in doing so. Here’s why…
They’ve experienced their first heartbreak. You can imagine a situation where the girl you’ve been with from childhood suddenly comes up with some flimsy excuse and dumps you…for your best friend…over the phone…on your birthday. This could aptly explain why men later go on to have serial relationships in which they exhibit little or no sensitivity as they try to shield their emotions from further shredding. Recommended Crying Options: Trickling tears, Sobbing.
Their football club performed badly. I’m not a major football fan (never have been and never will be) so I’m still baffled when die-hard football fans take some football matches so seriously and go through the following process – Anxiety (when their club is playing), Frustration (when their club is behind on points), Anger (when their club has conceded yet another goal), and finally Misery (when their club has: lost the match; the chance to win the premiership and; has consequently been relegated. The men turn on the waterworks at this point). Recommended Crying Options: Wailing, Tears with sniffles.
They’ve seen their wedding bill. This is predominantly common with African men, as they are less familiar with the ridiculous option of taking on a 3-year personal loan to finance a wedding. Love does make some men do crazy things so if their wife-to-be insists on a wedding extravaganza the Guy-Cry tends to occur when he writes the cheque…before, during and after signing. Recommended Crying Options: Tears with complaints.
They realized they didn’t marry the hotter sister. You’ll have to applaud the evasive skills of some determined women. I mean, men have to be a bit more thorough during the dating stage: ask for family photographs, browse through her Facebook contacts, etc. At the end of the day, if the hotter sister is on the other side of the world and only appears in person at the wedding then the groom should be asking himself some serious questions like, ‘Will I ever be able to act normal whenever she visits my family home?’ Such men are probably not in love. Recommended Crying Options: Tears with mumbles of regret.
They’ve taken a hit in the genitals. There are probably two categories of men who can relate to this: Men involved in high contact sports; and men who’ve made an inappropriate move on a woman. The tears literally jump out of your sockets and the pain is almost indescribable (but I’ll go ahead and make a modest attempt). It’s like an electrical surge that starts from the bowels and replicates itself into the spine and then the entire body in a matte of seconds. Estimated Time of Immobility – 15 mins approx. Recommended Crying Options: Tears with grunts and moaning.
They’ve hit that big toe…again. This equally excruciating ordeal is usually experienced by men who are very clumsy, men with big feet and men who refuse to get prescription glasses. Common objects of contact include door edges, table legs and in my own case, bed legs. Usual time of occurrence is in the middle of the night on the way to the fridge to get a light snack, or during the early hours of the morning when staggering to the toilet half-asleep. Recommended Crying Options: Watery eyes with occasional swearing.
The mother-in-law is moving in for good. Not for the man’s good, might I add. If you can just imagine a situation where men come back from a hard day at work and have to be subjected to the constant interference in all their affairs. It’s probably not so bad when the men are on good terms with their mother-in-laws but when it’s otherwise be rest assured that the wife would most likely take sides with her mum. For passive men, I have no sympathy. Recommended Crying Options: Tears on the pillow.
They’ve watched Shawshank Redemption or Armageddon. Somehow I believe, regardless of sensitivity levels, men who do not shed at least one tear drop after watching either of these movies is a cold-blooded serial killer in the making. According to Wikipedia these two movies are the top 2 when it comes to tear-jerkers for men. Click on the link to find out the rest of the Top 10 and see if you agree (or if you have any you dare to add). Recommended Crying Options: Tears with heavy breathing.
They’ve held their first child. When men see a mini-version of themselves there’s something that just melts their hearts and unconsciously turns on the waterworks. It’s either that or they’re disguising the fact that the bones in their hand were half-crushed by their labouring wives earlier. Ironically, in the first encounter between a father and his child they both cry in varying degrees. The worst case scenario is when a man cries because the child is clearly from another race (the wife would have some serious explaining to do). I don’t have any kids yet (or a wife for that matter) so I’ll have to wait and see how I react. Recommended Crying Options: Tears of joy which may include big smiles and runny noses.
If you can think of a tenth scenario where it’s ok for men to cry then I’ll be more than happy to hear it
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